Submission, A good Thing?

Hello, My name is Stephanie and I have a Submission problem. I think it stems from hearing the term used in such a negative context over the years.  Have you ever heard the phrase “don’t ever submit to this or that?” Well, maybe not always in those terms but, however implied, submission always sounded so much like a bad thing. To me the term “submission” always sounded like another negative word, “dependent.”  I don’t know why but I think I’ve always viewed the terms as synonymous, even though the two words don’t really coincide at all.

You see, according to the dictionary, submission by definition means: the action or fact of accepting or yielding to asuperior force or to the will or authority of another person. Dependent is defined as a person who relies on another person for support (especially financial support. Two words with totally different meanings but both can contrive to make a person feel controlled however innocent the words start out. You see, neither is a bad word but can turn bad in a bad situation. For example, children are our dependents and we love, cherish, and support them and they love and trust us back. It’s a wonderful balance and both sides are rewarded. Dependency can be a bad thing when one side manipulates the other (example: the child becomes over -dependent on the parent, or the parent refuses to let the child become independent).

The same can be said for submission. The bible specifically says that a woman should submit to her husband. When I first read the definition for submission I was irritated by the idea that a man, ANY man for that matter is superior to a woman. Now, I’m not necessarily an overly feminist or “woman’s lib” person but I do have strong views about male/female equality. After all, I have to work full-time AND keep the house AND take care of the bills (yes, ladies, I am the bill-payer at my house) AND, when the time comes, take care of the children. That’s a lot for one woman, why should my husband get to kick back and relax after work? He should pull his weight too!

What can I say, my thinking was a little flawed…perhaps not the best way to enter my marriage. Truthfully my role models really confused me when it came to “submission.” My parents are wonderful people and lived a very 1950s lifestyle. Man goes out and “brings home the bread” while woman takes care of the family. It worked back then, why not now? Well, as I was growing up my mother worked full-time as a nurse (both nights and days) and then came home and cleaned the house, did the laundry, cooked dinner, took care of us (homework, baths, bedtime, etc), and so on. My father (from when I was old enough to remember) came home and sat on the couch and relaxed, occasionally helping with the housework (maybe a few times a week).

My parents have been together for 35 years and still love each other but my father’s innately selfish nature put a strain on their marriage a lot. I remember my mother getting very frustrated and later on getting VERY frustrated myself when my father would ask me to do things, things he could very easily do himself, like cook dinner, clean the bathroom, mow the yard. Yes, I was living at home and needed to pull my weight but it’s very frustrating to do chores because someone else didn’t do them.  

Do I mean to sound judgmental of my parent’s relationship? No. It’s worked for them so far. But I couldn’t see having a marriage like that. It seemed so unfair to me. If that’s what submission means then forget it! I’m not ever getting married! I don’t ever want anything less than 50/50!

It’s fascinating how a little prayer, study, and finding the right person can make you understand so much. While engaged, my husband and I had so many talks about how our relationship would work. I wanted him to understand that I didn’t want to play little Miss. Suzy Homemaker unless I got to stay home and not work like little miss Suzie Homemaker.  If I had to work Full-time then he had to be willing to do a little housework too. Period. I was surprised at how well he took my “demands” (like we were bartering for hostages or something, right?) and had very little of his own (just to talk to him when I was unhappy and make big decisions together…too good to be true, right).  

When we went for premarital counseling I voiced our conversations with our minister and he gave me some very good advice about the whole submission thing. He said (and I paraphrase) that submission isn’t about forcing you to do something they wouldn’t do or making you feel inferior to them, it’s about loving that person enough to do what needs doing, having faith that they won’t take advantage of you for it, and having his love and support. Wait, what? You mean if I do the laundry all the time he still shouldn’t expect me to do it (or get mad about it) and also help me when I need it?  What a novel idea!

He also had me re-read the biblical passages about submitting and he explained that submitting as a two-way street. If I do as Lord commanded and give my husband the control then he in returns supports me and NEVER takes advantage of me. That means helping me physically when I need help, and emotionally and spiritually guiding and supporting me when I feel weak or unsure.

Well, gee, when he put it that way submission didn’t sounds nearly as bad as I thought it would. It actually sounded like a great plan. Did we still have details to work out? Sure, who would take care of them money, shopping, cleaning, etc. Are we living a perfect marriage? Oh, no, we still have our tiffs and disagreements but through prayer and guidance I’m learning how to let go of my past fears of submission and live a more spiritual marriage.